


Gothamite (or The World's Greatest Detective)

by NegativNein



Category: Batman - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Crack, Dubious Science, Established Relationship, M/M, Science
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-30
Updated: 2015-06-30
Packaged: 2018-04-06 23:41:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 755
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4241082
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NegativNein/pseuds/NegativNein
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Billionaire Brucie subdued the Winter Soldier with an orange, a toaster, and a fridge magnet ?!?"</p>
            </blockquote>





	Gothamite (or The World's Greatest Detective)

\-----  
**S.H.I.E.L.D. HQ, New York, Sector D, Corridor A-234**  
\-----

"Billionaire Brucie subdued the Winter Soldier with an orange, a toaster, and a fridge magnet?!?"

Clint was spluttering, but the Black Widow did not break her stride "Apparently"

Clint's screeching subsided a little at her dry tone, but he kept asking "So the assembling call was just a set-up to lure the Avengers out and infiltrate the tower?"

"Apparently"

"Shit! And Wayne stopped that!?! How? And where is he now? And where are we going?"

"Apparently" she allowed a tiny smirk to surface, to forestall Clint's groan "And I don't know how. He's in the interrogation room with Fury now, we're going to the control room to watch and listen in"

 

\-----  
**S.H.I.E.L.D. HQ, New York, Sector D, Interrogation Room I-2**  
\-----

"Mr. Wayne, could you recount, in your own words, the events of this very afternoon?"

"As you already know, Colonel, I was in the tower visiting Tony when the Avengers got the call to assemble. Tony left and I moved to the tower's control room, where JARVIS would keep me updated on their progress.  
A few minutes after the quinjet's departure, JARVIS alerted me that the perimeter had been breached on the common floor. Right after, JARVIS experienced a malfunction and stopped communicating"

"And what did you do then?"

"I went down to investigate the matter. I was confident it was merely a glitch"

"Merely a glitch... of Stark's sentient A.I. - and what did you do once you were on the common floor?"

"I noticed a young man in tactical gear and a metal arm rummaging around in Tony's office. I deduced that this was the famed Winter Soldier, so I repaired to the kitchen to formulate a plan"

"And what was your plan, Mr. Wayne, about confronting the world's most feared assassin?"

"Ah, you see, Colonel, it was really a most elementary plan" Wayne sounded mildly patronizing yet oddly gleeful, as if he were relishing the opportunity for the coming exposition "I simply counted on him behaving as a superbly trained assassin"

"Do elaborate" Fury all but growled

"Gladly. I quickly set the scene: placed the fridge magnet, checked the length of the toaster's power chord, put myself in an advantageous spot and picked up an orange.  
When the Winter Soldier came in I threw the open orange at him. As I had surmised, he saw it and, acting as a trained assassin, dismissed it as non threatening, allowing it to fall with a splash onto his metal arm.  
He advanced and I took care to look alarmed. I then threw the toaster at him, making it look like I had simply picked up the next available object in my flailing.  
Again, he acted as a trained professional, and did not move to intercept or avoid this second object.  
Then my little plan simply sprung into action, with all the economical elegance of the immutable laws of physics."

"Leave the Sherlockian flair out, and kindly get to the point, Mr. Wayne"

Wayne permitted himself a small smile "As you wish. You see, the toaster was plugged and running and the fridge magnet inside was positioned so that the whole contraption stuck itself to the metal arm. With the orange juices acting as an electrical conductor, the resulting electrical shock propagated through the arm and was enough to do the fellow in.  
It was quite easy to securely restrain him afterwards. JARVIS by then had come back on-line and alerted you."

Fury brought his hand up to his face and fidgeted with his eye patch. When he spoke again, he was weary "And how on earth were you able you keep your cool when most of my agents would have been running scared from a brainwashed killing machine?"

Wayne dropped the smile and the airy tone, answering with matching weariness "I hail from Gotham, Colonel. When you have faced a cackling Joker coming at you with a knife - at your own birthday party, I might add - the Junior Terminator does not look very threatening.  
The actions of a mindless killing machine can be anticipated. Now, will you be detaining me much longer?"

"You're free to go, Mr. Wayne." Fury raised his head, and fixed him with his patented one-eyed stare "But remember, I got my eye on you"

Wayne glared back.

 

\-----  
**S.H.I.E.L.D. HQ, New York, Sector D, Control Room S-2**  
\-----

"Did Wayne just, just, just... He stared down Nick Fury?"

"Apparently"

**Author's Note:**

> I know, this is crackity crack, but do let me know what you think. Please, please, please and thank you.


End file.
